


roll to say your vows

by GayFrankensteinsMonster



Series: after the bureau, everything's fine [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Found Family, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marriage, Platonic Relationships, Post-Canon, Wedding Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 08:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9312665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayFrankensteinsMonster/pseuds/GayFrankensteinsMonster
Summary: Critical miss: You forget your vows, expose an embarrassing fetish, and somehow eat the ring.





	

**Author's Note:**

> MY LONGEST YEAH BOY EVER  
> nobody fucking proofread this and i wrote most of it last night at eleven pm

Taako was getting married.

Holy flying shit. 

Marriage. Marriage? Marriage. Here he was, dressed in approximately thirty layers of finely draped fabric with hand-me-down filigree clasps, his aunt’s, from her wedding, and. Okay. What the fuck. He was getting married. Not- Not legally, this was not a legally binding marriage. You couldn’t apply for a marriage certificate after your death certificate had been filed. So that posed a bit of difficulty for Kravitz. But he said he was fine with just having a ceremony and all that. He didn’t know any of the traditions, neither did Taako. Merle wasn’t any help, he just bitched and moaned about how marriage would be the final nail in their relationship’s coffin. Magnus had smacked him in the head. 

So this left Magnus as the only one with any experience. Magnus Burnsides. The old dog. The one that Taako had jumped through a couple spectral hoops for, had an old enemy grow some sapphire spheres to give him the fucking gift of communication between this plane and the astral one. Magnus was a sweet guy and Taako loved him to death, and by the gods he was much less insufferable when he could talk to his dead wife on a nightly basis. Okay, that was mean. He was genuinely happy. 

But he was still the only one with any marriage advice. And it was painfully rustic. Painfully. He wanted Taako to build Kravitz a gazebo. A  _ gazebo.  _ And when Taako looked taken aback and confused beyond all belief, Magnus offered to build it for him. This wedding was going to kill him. He was going to die and he was going to have to marry Kravitz on the astral plane. Great. Good. 

He reflected on that conversation as he fixed himself up, readjusting a clasp at his throat and running his hands through his hair. It was getting long, all the way down past his hips. There was some tradition he’d read about, something about cutting your hair when you got married as a transition to a new life, whatever, whatever. He wasn’t going to do that. No way. Did he need makeup? Jewelry? How was Kravitz preparing for this. Oh, god, what if Kravitz had bailed. Shit. Son of a bitch. 

“Ffffffuck. Fuck.” Taako patted the front of his clothes down, bunching up the fabric in his fists and kicking his shoes off. He started to pace in his room, chewing on his fingernails and staring intently down at the floor. This was okay. He wasn’t going to back out. Fear of commitment who, bitches. He was going to get married. It was fine. Kravitz wasn’t going to walk out on him, that was just stupid. It’s totally cool. 

A knock came from the door and Taako jumped a goddamn foot into the air. He tried to compose himself, running his hands through his hair and patting at his clothes before calling out, “Come in!” And Magnus stepped through the door, shutting it behind him. He was dressed in the least dirty flannel shirt he owned, tucked in and pressed nicely. He looked Taako over, hands in his pockets, and nodded. 

“So, you do want me to walk you down the aisle, right?” 

“I mean, fuckin’. You look like a goddamn trashy lumberjack, but sure. Don’t have anyone else, gotta go with the guy who looks like he’s old enough to be my dad.”

“You sayin’ I’m not old enough to be your dad?”

“I’m a hundred and seventy three, Mango. Do I look good? I’m, my hair is a mess, and I think, I think I’ve got this whole robe setup on backwards- Did- Did you know that this drapey fabric mess was supposed to be for your partner to remove, uh, piece by piece in front of the wedding party? And the, the mingling of the clothes, on the ground, was supposed to represent shedding your old lives as-”

Magnus reached out and rested his hand on the top of Taako’s head. Taako half-flinched, ears pinning back. But he was fine, Magnus wasn't going to hurt him, so he straightened up and folded his arms. 

“You're ranting. Come on, let's get you married. You did invite Angus, right? Cause I didn't see him, and he  _ is _ basically your son.” 

“He’s on his way. And is he really my son? That sounds like garbage.”

“Yes.” Magnus offered Taako his elbow, and Taako looped his arm through Magnus’ to cling onto him tightly as they left the room. Here he went. He was getting married. Oh, shit, he forgot to put his shoes back on- Well, fuck it. Taako chewed on his lip as they walked, and Magnus kept glancing down at him. “Hey, you've got kind of a death grip there.” 

“Right, uh,” Taako let go of Magnus’ arm, pulling his hands through his hair again and sectioning off a few pieces to braid nervously. Magnus sighed and looped an arm around Taako’s shoulders, pulling him into a hug. He squeezed Taako, obviously trying to comfort him somewhat. Taako could appreciate this. He squished his face against Magnus’ chest and balled his hands in the back of his shirt. “Thanks, you big. Big stupid old asshole.”

“Yeah, you're welcome. Can we get you married already? Otherwise I'm gonna start crying before your wedding even happens.”

He pulled back and nodded, slipping his arm through Magnus’ again as they walked to the backyard. 

No backing out now. Taako took a deep breath and steadied himself. One foot in front of the other. He walked steadily through the grass, trying to take everything in at once. There were maybe a dozen chairs set up around tables on the lawn, occupied by the surprising amount of people that Taako considered friends. There was an archway, painted white and covered in wisteria vines. Merle was standing under it, hands clasped in front of him and a shit-eating grin on his face. Kravitz was there. Oh, lord. Okay. He was right there. He was in an actual, for real suit, gold rings and tiny white flowers strung up in his locs. He was strikingly handsome, as always. He also looked painfully nervous. Painfully, on death’s door nervous. That made Taako feel a little better, at least. Stressful for everyone, not just him. He could handle that. Taako’s ear flicked as he heard a stifled sob, and he elbowed Magnus in the ribs. Magnus elbowed him back and wiped at his eyes with his free hand. He deposited him off on the altar next to Kravitz, leaving Taako with a firm pat on the shoulder and a tearful smile. What a sap. Taako inhaled deeply and choked, hands pressing hard against his chest as he tried to steady himself. Kravitz looked concerned and reached out to help him, and Taako waved him away before straightening up. 

“Man, you guys really suck at weddings!” Merle spoke up from next to him, tripping over the “really” in the sentence and stretching it out as he laughed. Kravitz shot him a glare and he withered. Good. What a little asshole. Taako calmed himself down, fiddling with the edge of one of the fabric sheets draped on him. He cleared his throat, talking quietly to Kravitz. 

“You look, uh. Good. Very handsome.”

“You didn't prepare any vows, did you.” 

“And neither did you, dipshit, don't try and blame this on me.”

“I- I- I prepared vows! I did. They're right-” And he patted down the front of his suit, checking his pockets, “They were right here, look, I swear.” He was getting flustered, moving more hurriedly and looking down at the ground like he'd dropped something. “I had it, I'm not an idiot, I swear, I can find it, just don't bring up anything embarrassing-”

“Kravitz. It's fine. Just spin something off the dome,” And Taako winked, smiling up at him. “This is already the shittiest wedding ever. Look who's officiating.” Merle tried to speak up indignantly, and Taako shushed him. “I'm serious. Look, I can start if you want.”

“That's not-”

“So like, the first time we met, you were a ghost in a bunch of rocks, and I basically kicked your ass seven ways to Sunday. I think I tentacled you? There were tentacles.”

“You ate part of my arm.”

“This is a one way thing, bubbeleh, you can cram it. Let me monologue. Anyways, after helping you discover- Ango! Cover your child’s ears! ...After helping you discover what I can only  _ imagine _ is the worst fetish ever, uhhh. I think you got slapped around by a ghost hand and then wagered a bunch of dead people in a card game. Holy shit,” Taako choked on a bubble of laughter, covering his mouth and shifting his weight. “I'm fucking  _ marrying  _ you and this was the first time we met. Holy shit. But, uh. You know, looking through everything, you were. You're a great guy. There was the lich thing, you've sorta dropped everything to make sure we-  _ I  _ was okay. And that's basically the best thing anyone's ever done for me. Like, fuck!” And Taako laughed harder, felt his face heat up as he watched Kravitz blanch. He fell into a fit, giggling and flapping his hands as he tried to calm himself down. “God, it's the worst! You date two guys and they both try to kill you, but this guy is just- God, Kravitz. I don't even know what to say. You're a loser and you're a good man and you know, I'm really glad that I get to marry you.”

Merle muttered under his breath, and Kravitz leaned over to hook a finger in the strap of Merle’s eyepatch and snap him with it. Taako bowed slightly in thanks, still laughing. 

“Anyways. Uh. This is the only time I'm gonna say this publicly, so you better pay fuckin’ attention, you hear me? Eyes on Taako. This is my time. Kravitz, I fucking love you. And, uh,” Taako stage-whispered, still audible to the entire party, “I still got that tentacle spell, you know.” A wink and a nudge, and Kravitz doubled over with his face in his hands. The two of them dissolved into peals of laughter, Taako leaning back against the arch and Kravitz steadying himself with his hands on his knees. Nobody else thought it was  _ as  _ funny as they did, but there was still a palpable air of glee over the small crowd. 

Kravitz calmed down first, taking in deep lungfuls of air that he didn't really need. Taako stayed leaning against the arch, hands pressed to his cheeks as he tried to figure out how red he must look. His ears were fluttering and hot, and Kravitz looked at him with soft eyes and a cheesy smile. 

“Taako. I don't- I don't think I can really top that. I don't know if that counted as a  _ vow,  _ per se, but I can accept it. I don't really have as much to say, I suppose. We met under very-  _ Very _ odd circumstances, and. I must say it went better than expected. For you, I suppose. I got partially eaten and smacked around by wayward souls. But-” And he looked down at his hands, twisting the glass ring Taako had given him around his finger. “But I'm glad that it worked out like this. And it's unconventional, I suppose, but I'm happy. And I hope you're happy too. I do- I do love you.” 

And the two of them looked down at Merle expectantly as he fiddled with his eyepatch. He paused, eyebrow raising. 

“Yeah, I don't know what you expect me to do here. I've never officiated a wedding in my damn life.”

“You're a holy man!” Magnus shrieked from the crowd, hands cupped around his mouth. Merle retailiated, the middle branch-finger of his wooden arm raising at Magnus. 

“Hey, screw you! I don't see you doin’ shit.”

“I did my job, old man, you do yours!”

“Fine, fine! You're married. Kiss.” Merle threw his arms up and scuffed his feet on the grass. Kravitz rolled his eyes and fidgeted with his ring again, focusing back on Taako. He only caught Taako’s gaze for a second before looking down, lips quivering in a smile. Taako rushes in, right? He cupped his hands over Kravitz’s face and stood on his toes, kissing him softly. Kravitz shivered, and his hands spread out over Taako’s hips and pulled him in closer. They were pressed flush, hands tangled in hair and clothing and teeth bumping awkwardly. It was a good kiss. They pulled away, Kravitz’s shoulders shuddering and Taako’s ears twitching straight upwards. People were clapping. You don't clap at weddings. Idiots. What were they thinking. Kravitz leaned down slightly and bumped his forehead against Taako's, grinning. 

“This is the bit where everything breaks bad, right?” 

“I fuckin’ hope so, dear dead husband of mine. Wouldn't be a good wedding without it.”

* * *

It actually didn't break bad at all. Depending on what your idea of bad was. There was a break after the ceremony, “ceremony”, and everyone broke off into little groups to socialize. Angus’ family was being accosted by Magnus, who was sobbing loudly while holding the new McDonald baby. It was a little ridiculous. Poor guy, though. Angus had escaped after using the baby as bait, and had crossed the lawn to rest his elbow on Taako’s head and pluck the glass of champagne from his hand. Taako was not pleased, and slapped at Angus’s ribs.

“Watch the ears, kid. Are you even old enough to drink? You're like ten.” 

“Twenty one, sir. Aren't you supposed to be dancing with your husband?” 

“The dance is the last part of the ceremony.” Taako reached up and tried to grab at the glass, and Angus held it up out of his reach. Damn lanky tall kid. He drained the glass, handing it back stem-first to Taako. “Besides, I want to mingle with the common folk. My adoring crowd who loves me and wants to watch me get plastered and shmooze on my boyfriend.”

“Husband,” Angus corrected, straightening up and running his hands down the front of his sweater. “I'm happy for you two, and I'd love to catch up, but I think Magnus is trying to steal my child. I'll swing by with a gift later, sir!” 

And Angus was gone, quick as a flash. What a good kiddo. Taako stared down at the empty glass in his hand and sighed. What now. Ren was sitting pretty at one of the tables, boots propped on the chair opposite her as she poured herself another glass of champagne. She waved at Taako, beckoning him over and refilling his glass. 

“Don't think I remember seeing this guy around.”

“He's a new development in the Taako story, I wouldn't worry about it. How's your restaurant working out for you?”

“Super busy. I'm glad I moved to Neverwinter cause it'd be really hard to get this kinda business out in Refuge. But it's rewarding!”

“And how did your customers take to you shutting down tonight?” Taako teased her, wiggling his ears at her and sipping at his drink. She scoffed.

“Just told them my big brother was getting married. Popped a sign on the door and said we'd be back open tomorrow.”

Taako choked and sputtered, ears flat against his head. It took him a minute to compose himself, and he stared openly at Ren.   
“I’m sorry, brother? You- That’s what you. Oh.” He pressed the backs of his hands to his cheeks. He must be drunker than he thought. Ren laughed and punched his shoulder. 

“You’re basically the closest person I have around here, Taako! I hope it’s okay to talk about you like that, but you got me set up with that nice place, so. I dunno. You’re family!”

Family. Huh. Taako stared down at his hands, barely registering as Ren pats his shoulder and darts off to mingle with other people. Someone sat by him, holding out a hand. He glanced down. It was a wet, broken glass ring, covered in frosting. Kravitz was sitting with his head in his free hand, lip quivering. He’d shed his suit jacket and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, and one of his suspenders was twisted. Taako reached out to fix it, patting the swell of Kravitz’s belly. 

“You’ve been digging into the cake. What happened to your ring?”

“Taako. I. It fell off. Into a piece of- I didn’t notice.”

It took Taako a second to process before he started shrieking with laughter. This was ridiculous. It was ridiculous! He waved his fingers to cast mending on the ring, making sure that the enchantment he’d cast on it was still active. He slid it back onto Kravitz’s finger, still choking and giggling. 

“We’ve been married for twenty minutes and you already ate your ring.” 

“It was an accident!” 

Taako leaned over to kiss Kravitz on the cheek, plucking one of the flowers out of his hair and tucking it behind his own ear. Kravitz huffed loudly and tugged Taako forward, kissing him again. It was more coordinated this time, and Taako halfway whined. He didn’t want to dismiss everyone from his house yet, but- He wanted to dance with his stupid husband. Husband. Jeez. Okay. Taako pushed away, brushing his thumb over Kravitz’s cheek. 

“Do you- Is it okay if we dance? It doesn’t have to be a thing. If you’re chill with it, I’d- I’d like to dance with you.” 

Kravitz swallowed and nodded, turning his head to press his lips against Taako’s palm. He murmured quietly, said that he would like that too. Okay. Music, they needed music, or did they? No, they didn’t need music. But it was probably smart to have music. Taako caught Kravitz’s hand and dragged him off, waving Johan over and asking him super, super politely if he could play something they could slow dance to. Taako was really nice about it and it caught Johan off guard, but he pulled out his violin and did as he’d asked. It was nice. 

The two of them had found an empty space, wide enough and open enough but not central so they wouldn’t be watched. Taako cast levitate on himself as Kravitz wound an arm around his waist and rested a hand on the small of his back. Taako followed along with his movements as he set into a slow waltz, toes brushing against the top of the grass. No actual footwork being put in by him, no sir. Just holding onto his husband-  _ His husband-  _ And humming along softly to the music. Kravitz cleared his throat, meeting Taako’s line of sight and chewing his lip. 

“I don’t think we took this as seriously as we should’ve.” 

Taako’s ears flicked, and he slid a hand over Kravitz’s chest to fiddle with his tie. 

“Would you have been happier if it was serious?”

And Kravitz went quiet, eyes flicking from Taako’s face to the ground under them. He rested his forehead against Taako’s and closed his eyes, still swaying gently while holding onto Taako. 

“I’m happy just like this.” 

“Krav?” Taako shifted, lips brushing against his husband’s as he talked. “You- You know, that I do- I don’t say it, cause like- But I do-” 

Kravitz nodded, pulling Taako closer, like he could somehow absorb Taako if he tried hard enough. Their noses bumped again, and when Kravitz talked again, it was almost too quiet for Taako to hear. 

“I know.” 


End file.
